HOW LONG CAN YOU LAST?(HLCYL?) WHEN SIZE DOESN'T MATTER...Clean Edition

Clean edition by blog womanager, Cynthia StayC-c`iru

Please note that this article is proudly sponsored by Trust Studded® (Banana flavoured)

Snippets:

1. The ladies who felt it easy to explain to us, claimed some men can’t withstand the heat in the kitchen for more than 91 seconds.
2. Maxima says “...My Dickens is an awesome guy. He makes me scream the whole two-halves of an hour. Then all of a sudden my cunt convulses as an involuntary orgasm turns my entire body into one gigantic zone! Then he cums in me, Ouch!”
3. The Abuja Pasto who wanted to multiply every 5 men with two legs to feed 5000 fishy women
4. It’s pretty obvious that a normal man is supposed to run the show for a satisfactory length of at least 9.6 minutes when we are talking about deep impaling; foreplay excluded. Yet veterans can brag of more than 28 minutes non-stop of thunderous
5. Men come too fast for a variety of reasons...
6. Women, on the other hand, come too slowly because...
7. “When I go longer than 5 minutes I risk the likelihood of a CD bursting at any point after. And you know how difficult it is to stop at...”-- Cosmo
8. “Sometimes my galfriend takes the lead, and become a young brunette riding a pole and swearing like a drunken sailor. OMG! She does it like a real woman cooking breakfast...”—Bob
9. The male who come too fast, stand a more chance of impregnating their partners...

(Magatzine)The 2009 Kenyan Census was out and about last week, and not unexpectedly, as it is endemic with Kenyans of majoring on minor things; tribal purism took the order of the day. The census results were pungent of acrid mis-planning, and at the same time pandering to good-for-nothing tribal bias. But trying to capture the current zeitgeist let me take a close eye on what ought to be trumpeted by Oparanya, and a closed eye on his unskilful skew of statistics.

The said natality explosion annually leave something to be desired especially at the diametrical fresh rates of divorce/separation and escalating percentages of singlehood conjoined with asymmetrical figures of men to women (1:4). Our churches (the best businesses in Nairobi at the moment) have been in the forefront of the Single Awareness Campaigns exorcizing spirits that may be locking out our women from getting husbands, or probably “loaded” men. But thanks to the Abuja Pasto, a one Chris Ogj.., who, in his warped prophesies, dexterously wants to multiply every 5 men to feed 5000 fishy women. The throng, FYI, of young bummy desperate women who attended the surmmon is an article for another day.

Real biz. According to research of which this article forms a record, 69% of children born yearly are illegitimate from either troubled marriages or unfulfilling relationships. Worth noting is that 94% of all these troubled marriages and unfulfilling relationships are caused by nothing but one thing: sexual satisfaction and how long the man can carry on the bedroom show. For starters and for the record, it’s not just how fit or toned you are that matter, but hoe long you can handle the psychological roller coaster of a 4 hours marathon. Let’s take your stamina for a bed-test...

But first things first...I am not a psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. Nor am I a gynaecologist. I am a mere engineer, not yet emotionally-engaged with anyone, but can claim with medium confidence that I have been there and done that.

Survey and Responses

A survey in the UoN’s Halls of residence 11, 10, 9, Box and KMSH showed that many young men are involuntarily languishing in the problem of sustaining their cocks and balls inside the quim for more than 2 minutes. The ladies who felt it easy to explain to us, claimed some men can’t withstand the heat in the kitchen for more than 91 seconds. It’s utter disappointing, frustrating and even totally deflating when seconds is all what your big muscles, your testosterone is worth. Not because of pressure from society but because it’s nature’s demand. Remember a real man is assessed on the score-sheet of the package he owns and this rests on solid lethality of his weapons. If ever a man of actions deserves his success, that man is the owner of tools. He is a careful and fastidious artist in full control of his cock, a serious craftsman who disciplines himself not only how long to last but when exactly to come. As Maxima, a resident in Hall 20(Box), says “...My Dickens is an awesome guy. He makes me scream the whole two-halves of an hour. Then all of a sudden my cunt convulses as an involuntary orgasm turns my entire body into one gigantic zone! Then he cums in me, Ouch!”

This type of man has the decorum, selflessness and psychological commitment to see his woman through. He is a man who believes that it is his duty to give pleasure in order to gain pleasure. Like I said, it is not how fit or toned you are.

Normal Man Run the Show this Loooong

Most women interviewed, dismissed the issue of size of penis and underscored quality ramming of the walls as long time enough. The men on the other side, dismissed the issue of how tight the labia majora and minora are as long as the face is uniquely beautiful.

It’s pretty obvious that a normal below average man is supposed to run the show for a satisfactory length of at least 9.6 minutes when we are talking about deep impaling; foreplay excluded. Yet veterans can brag of more than 28 minutes non-stop of thunderous good strokes in and good strokes out for the first round. Can you handle this? Cosmo, a resident in Hall 11, says “When I go longer than 5 minutes I risk the likelihood of a CD bursting at any point after. And you know how difficult it is to stop at such climaxes... (Giggles)”

We are living in a society whose men are so over-optimistic such that they always see Glass (read Gals) as half-naked and not half-dressed at all times, prompting their minds to fuck in almost every position imaginable by just sight. This condition is further aggravated by the likes of Luthuli/SJ instant-call-gals who at all times stress that speed is of essence.

Men come too fast for a variety of reasons, not least among them the reason that they are in an impatient, selfish search for gratification. Women, on the other hand, come too slowly because their mind are preoccupied by a variety of expectations, not the least being their strong wish to be entertained statutory from one direction, and some gift ready. The fact of a woman helping you entertain her is a statement of the utmost importance. Worse is a certain crop of women who misconceive that passionate, toe-curling sex is one dimensional. One-dimensional in the sense that it is up to the man to bring out pleasure on both parties. This is not only wrong but also a misguided brainwash across the churches (yes churches) that denies full enjoyment of one’s body. “Sometimes my galfriend takes the lead, and become a young brunette riding a pole and swearing like a drunken sailor. OMG! She does it like a real woman cooking breakfast. That makes me go hard on and on...” says Bob, resident in Hall 9.

Have you tasted cunningulus? I ask. No, most probably. Tell me the last time your woman fellated your tools and I’ll tell you a generation abnegating the necessary. Probably, she has never brought her lips closer to your cock. Where else can you get a stimulus and drive from?

National Census Rendition

From an evolutionary point of view, the male who come too fast, stand a more chance of impregnating their partners. The scientific exposition behind this theory asserts that the first cum if not disturbed sticks more to the walls of the uterus agitating the release of Luteinizing Hormone (LH) which is responsible for express ovulation. It is the same impregnated women who stand on the receiving end of unsatisfaction. So when the census release claimed there are more Kikuyus and Luhyas, I couldn’t stop wondering how short, dorks, malfunctioned and wimps are the Kikuyu men, Luhya men and Kalenjin men in that ugly order.

ALPHONCE M. MAGATI

NEXT

Where the Brain and Heart Goes While you Last Part II

SAFARICOM PROSTITUTION THEORY; HOW FAR IS TOO FAR...

1. Zain has gone up people’s estimation as the hero
2. Safaricom behave like CSW along
4. Memory-lane: owning a phone (Sagem), SIM cost, calling rate, texting.
5. Zain (ex-Kencell) locking horns with Telkom Kenya over Interconnection rates as it’s happening now with surf-com.
6. The surf-com prostitution theory
7. MJ to pay-off Infotrak and its ugly Ambitho to give polls that 94% of Kenyans are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate


8. Koinange Street

(Siri)Indeed August was a month inundated with indelible histories. First it was the tremendous passing of the long-awaited new constitution, then it was David Rudisha’s world record fete, and then came in the HAKI YETU Tariff from Zain. This might sound like Kibera residents uprooting a tariff or their usual railway line. But on the contrary, it’s Zain up in arms fighting for the local man to call at cheaper rates. In fact, Zain has gone up in people’s estimation as the hero of all times. Picture this, a guy in Kariri-kania village or Kibera spends a maximum of Ksh. 20 for lunch and another Ksh. 20 for supper. But here is a communications service provider that gulps your Ksh. 12 just for a minute! What does that tell you? Either it’s robbery or network prostitution.

Down

Safaricom’s calling rates reminds me of commercial sex workers (CSW) along

Koinange Street

. But before taking on the surf-com’s prostitution theory, let’s take a walk down the memory lane. The year is 2001 when the first few phones landed in Kenya. Telcom® then was the communication giant until Kencell® roared by and took over the market like a tsunami. Back then, by the fact of just holding (leave alone owning) a Sagem® or a Motorolla® T190 could demand respect deluged your way. Men got wives by that stunt. Young boys taking their uncles’ phones for charging simplified their seduction extravaganza by playing with the gadget in front of their target (woman).

The cost of SIM card could buy two goats on those days. And once lost no replacement, you had to cough another Ksh. 4, 500 and nothing less. The calling rate kicked off at Ksh. 64 but the price was drawn down to Ksh. 47 per minute. That means if you said, ‘Hallo.’ and the call gets interrupted, 47/= had to go, just like that. Texting back then could require you get trained first how to access SMS option before enjoying. But thank goodness now we all know! And thank goodness Zain is here to stay.

Despite its now success of 9M registered users; Zain has been there and done all that. In November 2004 it pioneered in the department of changing corporate names as though it were a pair of socks from Kencell® to Celtel®. As if that was not enough, they changed again their name to Zain, and mark you, it s not yet stopped. Zain, sorry Kencell has had to lock horns with Telkom Kenya over an Agreement on interconnection rates in the year 2003 when it was not only impossible but also not allowable to call across networks. Now, when surf-com is bragging to scare Zain out of the market, they have to be reminded Zain has seen it all so ‘bring it on pronto.’

The love of Zain to the local mwanachi surpasses all 3G or 4G surf-com is trying to G-spot.

Safaricom’s Prostitution Theory

This CSW has no love or mercy on anyone at all. She's full of conditions and terms, at least it is endemic to all CSWs from Luthuli to SJ to Kenyatta to Majengo. She aims at just making money and profits (didn’t MJ mention that?) She is exorbitantly overcharging her clients now that she knows her 3G-spot is easy to reach. She uses this 3G as her strong point to outsmart the beautiful single ladies (i.e., Miss Zain, the Orange baby and Yu) passing by from work to their beloved homes.

The SuperTalking b**ch winks at you with a place-card rating of 80 cents but when you’ve removed your pants ready for action, she flashes out a new card indicating the cost is 1,000 shillings. She even once swindled innumerable men by offering herself for free on what she coined as IPO (initial prima-donna offer). Although some of us noticed the obvious pogrom in her foxy baits, we might have tacitly encouraged her by our silence. She mistakenly believed she was a goddess. My old grandpa in Kariobangi who attempted to indulge in the tartly donned IPO is now languishing as no returns he got.

But the time has come when Kenyans will switch gears and move on singing, “It’s too late to apologize.” The bitter option for the green is to live and let live. Kenyans grow smarter every year and now we are wiser after the event. It’s time for the late MJ –Michael Jackseph –to be laid to rest. Or else he can re-change his skin back to black and reincarnate to give us the hit-song Haki Yetu or allow the 7-3-numberdom around his territory. Or better still, he can summon and pay-off Steadman or Infotrak Harris and its ugly Ambitho to declare a poll that say 94% of Kenyans have said they are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate. You know Kenyans with falsehood of numbers and amenability. Enough not said. I can see my BerryBlack ringing on 734640693, let me answer the call. No more suffering communication.

Alphonce Magati

Memory Lane