The RightInk on the Wall. Talk the Talk. Walk the Talk. Right the Wrongs.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________The Writing on the Wall
Politician, like a mad man sometimes speak a true word, but you
watch him, he will soon add something to it that will tell you his mind is
spoilt.-Achebe
Their message on Valentines day:
Raila (Dr of vitendawili): Valentine is a creation of the media. Wasn't consulted. the red colour means tna rigging
We sought Valentine messages from our political leaders as it
is thoughtful to get their insights always. They spoke highly on Valentine and love but clearly they added somethings
that proved a Kenyan politician will remain just that -- a politician. As Chinua Achebe, he of the ‘a Man of the People’ once said, a mad
man sometimes speak a true word, but you watch him, he will soon add something
to it that will tell you his mind is spoilt.
Today, comparing our rugged politics and rogue politicians, I wonder
which defines us more.
(The Valentine Message below in no particular order):
“Let me tell you. I have a track record in
Valentinediction. This being a jubilee
valentine, it is not going to be done by GUESSWORK or analogue people. It is going to be done by PERFORMERS who
believe in KUPENDA na KUTEMA.
In 1984 at the age of 18, while at
class seven studying civics education, I learnt of Ntimama and Kosgey showering
flowers during valentines in analogue manner until now. We are going to have an online Valentine with
our significant others and groupies.
Those guys of VITENDAWILI and
NUSU-MKEKA are not going to get any flower or follower or lover. We are going to win dates and fiancés on the
first round.
And let me tell you. We are going to put over 2 acres of land of
flowers on IRRIGATION and nobody will be hungry of love or thirsty of
valentines love. RAILA (Dr of vitendawili)
First let me say Valentine is the
creation of the media. There is no where
it was said valentine is a day of those with fiancés or lovers. When Kibaki agreed on this, I was not
CONSULTED. Andtherefore as cord we
reject that valentine day.
Memory-lane: owning a phone (Sagem), SIM cost, calling rate, texting.
Zain (ex-Kencell) locking horns with Telkom Kenya over Interconnection rates as it’s happening now with surf-com.
The surf-com prostitution theory
MJ to pay-off Infotrak and its ugly Ambitho to give polls that 94% of Kenyans are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate
Koinange Street
(Siri)Indeed August was a month inundated with indelible histories. First it was the tremendous passing of the long-awaited new constitution, then it was David Rudisha’s world record fete, and then came in the HAKI YETU Tariff from Zain. This might sound like Kibera residents uprooting a tariff or their usual railway line. But on the contrary, it’s Zain up in arms fighting for the local man to call at cheaper rates. In fact, Zain has gone up in people’s estimation as the hero of all times. Picture this, a guy in Kariri-kania village or Kibera spends a maximum of Ksh. 20 for lunch and another Ksh. 20 for supper. But here is a communications service provider that gulps your Ksh. 12 just for a minute! What does that tell you? Either it’s robbery or network prostitution.
Down
Safaricom’s calling rates reminds me of commercial sex workers (CSW) along
Koinange Street
. But before taking on the surf-com’s prostitution theory, let’s take a walk down the memory lane. The year is 2001 when the first few phones landed in Kenya. Telcom® then was the communication giant until Kencell® roared by and took over the market like a tsunami. Back then, by the fact of just holding (leave alone owning) a Sagem® or a Motorolla® T190 could demand respect deluged your way. Men got wives by that stunt. Young boys taking their uncles’ phones for charging simplified their seduction extravaganza by playing with the gadget in front of their target (woman).
The cost of SIM card could buy two goats on those days. And once lost no replacement, you had to cough another Ksh. 4, 500 and nothing less. The calling rate kicked off at Ksh. 64 but the price was drawn down to Ksh. 47 per minute. That means if you said, ‘Hallo.’ and the call gets interrupted, 47/= had to go, just like that. Texting back then could require you get trained first how to access SMS option before enjoying. But thank goodness now we all know! And thank goodness Zain is here to stay.
Despite its now success of 9M registered users; Zain has been there and done all that. In November 2004 it pioneered in the department of changing corporate names as though it were a pair of socks from Kencell® to Celtel®. As if that was not enough, they changed again their name to Zain, and mark you, it s not yet stopped. Zain, sorry Kencell has had to lock horns with Telkom Kenya over an Agreement on interconnection rates in the year 2003 when it was not only impossible but also not allowable to call across networks. Now, when surf-com is bragging to scare Zain out of the market, they have to be reminded Zain has seen it all so ‘bring it on pronto.’
The love of Zain to the local mwanachi surpasses all 3G or 4G surf-com is trying to G-spot.
Safaricom’s Prostitution Theory
This CSW has no love or mercy on anyone at all. She's full of conditions and terms, at least it is endemic to all CSWs from Luthuli to SJ to Kenyatta to Majengo. She aims at just making money and profits (didn’t MJ mention that?) She is exorbitantly overcharging her clients now that she knows her 3G-spot is easy to reach. She uses this 3G as her strong point to outsmart the beautiful single ladies (i.e., Miss Zain, the Orange baby and Yu) passing by from work to their beloved homes.
The SuperTalking b**ch winks at you with a place-card rating of 80 cents but when you’ve removed your pants ready for action, she flashes out a new card indicating the cost is 1,000 shillings. She even once swindled innumerable men by offering herself for free on what she coined as IPO(initial prima-donna offer). Although some of us noticed the obvious pogrom in her foxy baits, we might have tacitly encouraged her by our silence. She mistakenly believed she was a goddess. My old grandpa in Kariobangi who attempted to indulge in the tartly donned IPO is now languishing as no returns he got.
But the time has come when Kenyans will switch gears and move on singing, “It’s too late to apologize.” The bitter option for the green is to live and let live. Kenyans grow smarter every year and now we are wiser after the event. It’s time for the late MJ –Michael Jackseph –to be laid to rest. Or else he can re-change his skin back to black and reincarnate to give us the hit-song Haki Yetu or allow the 7-3-numberdom around his territory. Or better still, he can summon and pay-off Steadman or Infotrak Harris and its ugly Ambitho to declare a poll that say 94% of Kenyans have said they are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate. You know Kenyans with falsehood of numbers and amenability. Enough not said. I can see my BerryBlack ringing on 734640693, let me answer the call. No more suffering communication.
It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??
(You can opt to jump to the middle of this article for laughter.)
Highlights
Employment no longer based on merit. Quite often the do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit
Interviews done for the sake of formality to escort predetermined ones.
Read some of the laugh-out-loud hysterical answers to..
Why are you leaving your current position?
What kind of computer software are you proficient in?
Why do you want to work for us?
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Leadership skills?
Your Goals?
SiRi Magatzine>> It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??
In his open letter to the new Director of KACC, my favourite writer of all times and Senior Editor in the Standard Group, Otuma Ongalo aka Double OO reminded PLO of the adamant here-to-stay poison—nepotism. He articulately put it this like this, “...employment in many public institutions is no longer based on merit. Quite often do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit. Many jobs are advertised but only to attract some individuals to ‘escort’ the predetermined ones. The advertisements are tailor-made to suit certain individuals and interview convened at their convenience.” This big piece of truth crystallised the other day when we held interviews at organisation X (name withheld deliberately). The process was not only (mis)managed clumsily but also exhibited senseless and stupefying favouritism and nepotism. The incident underscored our tolerance to tribalism and corruption. At the end of the day, the people who were hired had neither the necessary qualification nor the best suitability criterion vis-a-vis the left lot of seekers.
But one wise man said you cannot change circumstances by complaining. But you can by being appreciative and making fun out of gloom. And here is what I am doing. The following is the outstanding hilarious eavesdropped interview done to Mr. Omoding.
At the Guest's Lounge
First the interviewer came into the lobby to pick up Omoding. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! “Fuck,” he muttered as he passed the poker-faced interviewer.
In the Boardroom
Edited for clarity
Tell us something about yourself
Aha! Well...! I thought I was the guest here and for that matter you had to give me an illusion of yourselves first!
But, nevertheless, if you insist, my name is Alima Omoding; I am bald, fat and get annoyed easily. I went to Nkubu Boys which probably should be North or South from here, you know, I am not good with maps and direction. Remember I come from Nyanza, that’s a fact, and you already know what that means...
What does it mean?
OK, it means nothing.
What can you bring to this position?
(Stares at the entire floor) A new carpet and a new play-station 9
Equally, I would be great asset to the events team because I party all the time. Yes, I think now we are talking...
Why are you leaving your current position?
I was fired by my senseless boss because I had problems in waking up. I used to explain that late to bed, late to rise but it fell on deaf ears. You see I have to finish an episode or two for Season 4 Heroes. By the way he didn’t know who my father is...
How long have you worked there?
Two months.
What kind of computer software are you proficient in?
Software?! You mean those programming languages that are hard nut to crack even by computer scientist? But I think I know how to start a computer and type in Word and maybe play Spider Solitaire.
Why do you want to work for us?
Mainly for two reasons: One, I saw the vacancy posted on Facebook—by the way I am in FB and I command more than 1,000 friend list. Yes, I saw it on facebook and decided why not!
Two, my parents told me I need to get a job to support myself and stop asking for some pocket money for partying and stuff like that...you know, nowadays the price of beer is escalating too fast.
Are you sure you want this job?
Are you asking me? Is that a trick question? C’mon men, get serious!
Well as you can verify, I am young, virile man and above all I am single – if you ladies know exactly what I am saying. (Omoding then looks at one of the pretty fair-skinned board member) I particularly like ‘laptops’...
For weakness, I don’t have any. I told you my parents are from Nyanza and even Engineer Raila Odinga is a friend to my dad.
Give us an example of when you demonstrated leadership skills.
Well my best example of would be in the world of computer game particularly ‘NFS’ and ‘King of the Road.’ I pretty much run the show, it is not easy bro.
On top of that, my leadership skills can be traced to last year when I organised a student strike when the administration mingled in our Elections.
Don't tell me you are proud of Rioting?
It's OK, I don't tell you
What are your goals for the next 5 years?
Probably Manchester United forever.
Do you have any Role model?
Yes, either Lil’ Wayne or Barrack Osama or sometimes Cristian Ronaldhino
How much do you expect to be paid?
Ummmmmmmh, between 300K – 500K. You see I want to buy an Audi Macerati by the end of this year. My galfriend dumped me because of a Toyota Vitz she saw in my neighbours aka a 'her boyfriend-material'.
Anything else we should know about you?
You should know probably I bull-fight every weekend
Do you have any question for us? I have three questions:
How many young ladies work here?
Does this company hold sleep-overs?
Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the internship program?
(I didn’t hear right if it’s dad or uncle) later the dad/uncle called to reiterate that the boy should be absorbed immediately as the CEO knows about it.
You might think this is fiction; it is not. True story it is and the same guy is now comfortably “working” with the organisation simply because the influential uncle/dad endorsed him there. Not credentials, not background, not potential that mattered. But this didn’t kill our potential or our talents. We hope Kenya will change one day and merit should speak for one in job platform. Amen.
[The name of the organisation, click HERE] Alphonce M. Magati
KU--exceptional varsity where students burn everything, anything and even themselves as a form of demonstration... Masinde Muliro--The remarkable place where engineering is taught by Non-Engineering tyro staffs. Just but to mention a few...
SEVEN WONDERS OF KENYAN UNIVERSITIES; Six (6) Marks. . .
GM Son.
After taking a choreographed research, the shockingly leading place where the steamy harmonized constitution has not been read totally, is in our varsities. I tried toying around with this hypothesis, only to collide with the cold fact that students are either reading specifically for CATs & Exams, or in debauchery. It’s ok, no complaint. But with intellectuals, the crème of the society unable to dissect such an important document, then who will? [http:// http://www.magati2020.blogspot.com/ ] The greedy pigs in parliament?
This jolted me going into overdrive to divulge the hidden wonders of Kenyan universities. And the tit-bits here given are absolute truths and personal views as a well-rounded magat in the class of magats:-
(1). the University of Nairobi MODULES—MWAKENYA—ZEBRA—FACEBOOK
· So far the varsity that has phenomenally more parallel than regular students in the name of “running the university” money-wise. They say it’s academically correct!?
· Is the chief university monumentally known with the inveterate “mwaks”- mania. From Exam cookery to bedroom class the byword is “miss yours miss out”. The rest is …hysteria.
· The locale where students believe it’s the vehicle that is supposed to stop at a zebra-crossing, look its left or right before passing safely lest it risk being knocked dead by the students.
· Has busiest students. Busy in facebook: poking, commenting “we’re the best…” Now, how?
(2). KU DEMONSTRATION—UNIFORM—NOISEMAKERS
· (Kibera University, Oh! no, no Kuja Uharibiwe) is the exceptional varsity where students burn everything, anything and even themselves as a form of demonstration.
· The only institution introducing uniforms like the garbs for nuns and catechists.
· Hold dear the inclination of writing “noise-makers” in the lecture halls and forwarding them to the VC (the moles-agency 4 Mugenda).
(3). JKUAT MULTICOURSES—HOSTELS—OBAMAs
· Only where one course is made many courses. Studying different courses in a single mode and a like lectures until graduation. [e.g. they can have, cup engineering, mug engineering, water-in-cup engineering, cup-less engineering]
· Where hostels reek like DDS (dandora dumping site) save for Skyline hostel.
· Still use pit latrines. It’s a biogas plant! Green (leaves) Technology, they say. No need of TPs (no offence)
· Gentle-lads (read Juja boys) impregnate small girls in the varsity outskirts. Invention they call it (another Obama, might come!!)
(4). Masinde-Muliro DRESS—TYROS—COMPUTER
· The male students wear knife-cut shorts and the ladies put on checkered knee-down dresses. Make-up is prohibited, try one & you are a prostitute.
· The remarkable place where engineering is taught by Non-Engineering tyro staffs. Just but to mention a few.
· Presence or availability of three fully working computers, and no more. One for the undergraduates, another for the dean, and the other for pro.
(5). Maseno RATIONING—I.T
· Students don’t know what is rationing because they depend heavily on charcoal and firewood for cooking, warming rooms, etc (Lwela Village?) Cylinders are for “sonkos”, i.e. those whose boyfs own “ngware” or “peng’” or men with fishing nets.
· Every student is trained how to use Microsoft Word, Excel, and Powerpoint. That’s I.T…(Information Technology; period) Intellectually trained!
(6). MOI LINCENTIOUS
· Ranked soaringly immoral place with Annex being… after Moi Avenue’s S.J.
· Their dogmas are: books=sex, and campus=cohabitation
(7). EGERTON THE CHALLENGE
· The only reason students study “hard” despite the gloomy environment, is anticipation of participating in Celtel Challenge, Oops sorry, Zain Challenge or maybe Celzan Challenge next.
WEUCOST? Varsity?
By Gati Mae Son (Ma-Gati Alphonce)
Reason Cain killed Abel in the Bible: They were roommates, Cain a BA and Abel an Engineer student.
Peace
Kenya has taken a serious stab in the past at dealing with urban solid wastes (plastic majorly), though laced with mixed results.
Lifespan of a road can be distended three-fold from the normal four or five years to almost one and half decades without need of repair
It might sound like recycling but no, it’s plastic waste’s “cemetery” instead of lying idle in landfills
Each kilometre of road with an average width of about 3.78 metres require over two tonnes of plastic to blend; it will help to eliminate this non-decomposable monster!
Finally the eyesore thin polythene bags, carry bags, disposable cups, pet bottles, etc that have been a social and environmental nuisance, can be dismissed by a wag of the index finger. It is a sight of relief now that the knowledge of using plastic wastes to make roads is a much awaited technological messiah. This connotes a matter-of-fact end to pollution caused by this non-biodegradable waste that is reposed in this new technology. Plastic use is very popular and the prevailing quest for better long lasting roads is also a reality. For your information, Kenya has taken a serious stab in the past at dealing with urban solid wastes, though laced with mixed results. In 2005, the Kenya National Cleaner Production Centre (KNCPC) came up with a plastic waste management strategy for the city of Nairobi underlining the need to utilise dumped plastic in a study commissioned by UNEP (United Nations Environmental Programme). The strategy was partially successful. The dossier pointed the adverse effects and economic challenges that plastic bags thinner 15 microns in thickness posed to the environment.
Two years down the line, the manufacturer of such bags was banned, and a 123 p.c. tax on thicker ones imposed. The solution was to not make plastic in the first place, rather than making it without knowing what to do with the waste. Unfortunately, the ban was summarily suspended in the wake of intense lobbying by the manufacturers. And expectedly, uncollected waste caused by the plastic is what we evidenced everywhere and anywhere. Arguably, the cost of road construction may be slightly higher compared to the conventional method but this should not hamper the adoption of the technology as the benefits are much higher than the cost. It might sound like recycling but no, it’s plastic waste’s “cemetery” instead of lying idle in landfills!
First, durability is vouched for authenticity and then employment created in the process. The latter, probably through setting up plants for collection of the waste plastics and then mixing them with bitumen, or creation of self-help groups that collect and shred the waste. Public too can get the opportunity to sell their domestic plastic wastes instead of discarding them into the dustbin.
A team of engineers from RV College of Engineering, Bangalore, invented this technique of using plastic waste for road construction under the strength-and –durability cogency, while addressing the problem of disposal of plastic waste in an environment friendly manner. Methodically, the plastic is simply shredded using a plastic crusher, melted and mixed with bitumen in a specific ratio. By mixing, the road withstand high temperature fluctuations since the plastics act as strong binding agent making it last longer than those asphalted with ordinary mixture. Long durability is crowned overall because rainwater will not seep through, because of the imbedded plastic hence no effect underneath—ground unequal expansion and contraction.
The lifespan of a road can be distended three-fold from the normal four or five years to almost one and half decades without need of repair is in itself a resounding yes-yes. In fact, environmentally speaking, the world can finally smile; as each kilometre of road with an average width of about 3.78 metres require over two tonnes of plastic to blend, it will help to eliminate this non-decomposable monster!
Public plastic roads are touted to be the future tender bidder, deal-maker. Who knows, the Ministry of Roads is ...searching...
"Noah Was stopped further building the ark because:-- Kibera wants a railway built first in the Ark, KRA seized all his assets claiming he is trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. If he is sufficiently philanthropic to build the ark, he should pay for Ken McOrende... "Noah’s Ark in Kenya
“There’s gonna be El-Niño,” Lord said to Noah, “in six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole country is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and the two of every kind of living things. I’m telling you to build yourself an Ark,” instructed the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specification of the Ark.
“Ok,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months elapsed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in front of his Mathare Yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is the Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah for Emphasis.
“Lord, please forgive me,” beseeched Noah, I did my best. But there were big problems:-
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet IEK Code which I never knew it existed before then. So I had to hire an engineer from a Business School (KCA) to redraw the plans. He is the one D.M. wanjohi trusts
My building the Ark in the Mathare front yard was objected. It was claimed that I WAS VIOLATING ZONING SINCE A superhighway was to pass there for the first time. So I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Mau Forest. I had to convince the government I needed the wood to save the Gema, squatters, etc. But they wouldn’t let me…
Then the Kenya Airways carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the COTU before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we’ve got sixteen carpenters going on the boat..
Then I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal’s rights group (G12). They objected to me taking only two of each kind. It’s conjugally un-right.
The Migingo residents claim they’re used to swimming for long hours long time now, and they have their own boats. In fact unless all the forty brothels and two toilets are closed is when they can reconsider my case.
UoN students want to gather stones first (the ones Mutua used to beautify Nairobi) so that incase of electricity rationing in the Ark they’ll do what they do mostly best.
Father Jimmy also wants to declare that he has “only one dear wife” so that “hakuna haja…kusema nani ni nani…hapana, wacha hiyo kumbafu sana”
Kibera want a railway built first in the Ark
Horrible members of Parliament are in recess for three and half months. I have to wait till they table the bill on the floor of the House deciding whether the Ark will help tap Rift Valley Voters…
I cannot trace the same members because they changed names to become next Obamas in 2012, (Yes We Kana)
John Ochuki
Olonzo Mak’Osyoka
Geoge Atoti
Martha Orwa
Ohuru K’Onyatto
Beth Ougo
William Outo Ony
12. Right now I’m still trying to solve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Karamojongs I’m supposed to hire. How many CPAs, etc do they have from River Road?
13. KRA has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. If I’m sufficiently philanthropic to build the ark, I should pay for Ken McOrende.
“I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years.” Noah wailed, “Until 2012” The sky began to shine. A rainbow arched the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy Kenya?” Noah asked hopefully.
“Wrong,” thundered the Lord. “but being Lord, I fully intend to smite Kenya, but with something Kenyan invented by themselves in the Fablab.
“What is that?” asked Noah
There was a long pause, and then the Lord Spaket his last words “COALITION GOVERNMENT.”
"They won't get any constitution till they respect me, as their LORD!"
