VALENTINES DAY MESSAGES FROM POLITICIANS (hilariously)...

Politician, like a mad man sometimes speak a true word, but you watch him, he will soon add something to it that will tell you his mind is spoilt.- Achebe

Their message on Valentines day:

Raila (Dr of vitendawili): Valentine is a creation of the media. Wasn't consulted. the red colour means tna rigging

We sought Valentine messages from our political leaders as it is thoughtful to get their insights always.  They spoke highly on Valentine and love but clearly they added somethings that proved a Kenyan politician will remain just that -- a politician.  As Chinua Achebe, he of the ‘a Man of the People’ once said, a mad man sometimes speak a true word, but you watch him, he will soon add something to it that will tell you his mind is spoilt.  Today, comparing our rugged politics and rogue politicians, I wonder which defines us more.

(The Valentine Message below in no particular order):

RUTO (the rich hustler):

“Let me tell you.  I have a track record in Valentinediction.  This being a jubilee valentine, it is not going to be done by GUESSWORK or analogue people.  It is going to be done by PERFORMERS who believe in KUPENDA na KUTEMA.

In 1984 at the age of 18, while at class seven studying civics education, I learnt of Ntimama and Kosgey showering flowers during valentines in analogue manner until now.  We are going to have an online Valentine with our significant others and groupies.

Those guys of VITENDAWILI and NUSU-MKEKA are not going to get any flower or follower or lover.  We are going to win dates and fiancés on the first round.

And let me tell you.  We are going to put over 2 acres of land of flowers on IRRIGATION and nobody
will be hungry of love or thirsty of valentines love.  
RAILA (Dr of vitendawili)

First let me say Valentine is the creation of the media.  There is no where it was said valentine is a day of those with fiancés or lovers.  When Kibaki agreed on this, I was not CONSULTED.  And therefore as cord we reject that valentine day.

We don’t want NUSU-Mapenzi.  Because that is a sign of RIGGING the love of our valentine dates.  Even the colour of valentine is RED.  But they won’t succeed because our Kangaroo courts will capture them.

Also for those who own huge tracts of land with no flowers meant for valentine love, my government will repossess them.

In our money-festo, we have clearly said we want to give B-jobs, b-jobs, b-jobs unlike our competitors. KITENDAWILI, kitendawili.Kipenda roho bila roho ni nini?  Ni valentine ya chupi lee.

PK (Mr handsome-son):

Choose your valentine loved ones based on their track record.

I want to tell my competitors, this Valentine is not about where you come from or who you are, but on real issues of who is REAL and who is NOT.  This why I am hot.  I am HOT because am fly.  Seen my son?

I am a simple guy.  I was born in Bahati and we used to call it ‘BAHA..”  I went to Starehe Boys.  Let me say back then the Valentine system was fully working.  We used to play Bano, Banta, and Cha-mama with our Valentine dates.  City Council had grown flowers everywhere, the police played as bodyguards during our dates and night-outs and things were Ok… 

MaDVD (Mr pair of hands)

Let it be known to Kenyans that I am nobody’s love project.  I will look for love all the way to the ballot of my one and only.  I am safe pair of hands.  Did you see on the ‘Presidential Debate’ my hands never touched anybody!

Let’s make it clear that ‘Messi’ ameingia.  Even if Pele was a legend, and back then he used to STALK me wherever I went to rally for a loved-one, it is my time now.  I left their polygamous home after realizing there was a hidden agenda to pick an orange democratically so  I decided to get my wife a nice flower from my compound.  It’s when two gentlemen came to my compound with a proposal that maybe due to their situation flower farms may be sanctioned against exporting products to other valentine loving countries.  Of which they reneged.  Nani alichokoza mwingine hapo, jameni?

Now I am concentrating with Wanjohi’s initial valentine project with Mois in the mix.  Walidhani NITALIA.  Musalia wa kumundu.  We can’t always be number 2 (Kijana Wamalwa, Moody Awori)

Wanasema nilikula pesa ya wafu (cemetery) n goldernberg.  Wee bwana unahakika.

KIONI (Mr Laila is lesponsible)

You see this Valentine opinion polls are not correct on love during this valentine.  It might POLALISE (polarize) the country as it happened in last valentine.  We don’t want to BALKANIZE the love of this valentine and therefore polls should be banned until we finish valentine season.

Let Kenyans be told the methodology used here is erroneous that it favours certain candidates like Raila who was responsible for PEV (Post Erection Valentine) in 2-0-7.

UKENYATTA (Mr. Red-Weed)

Sisi tunataka kuweka wakenya pamoja Valentine hii.  Hatuunganishi makabila mbili tu.  Sisi hatuunganishi kabila hili au lile.  Tunaunganisha makabila yote ya Central na Bonde la Ufa.

Hatutaki chuki.  Fujo na matusi tumewachia wapinzani wetu.  Maanake tunataka kuunda serikali na mheshimiwa ruto. Sio Hague. Kwani Hague ni ya mama yao?  We are a sovereign country and our valentine should not be intimidated by tourists like Koffi and Annan.

That ‘Kehii’ who wants us to be in the Vague of flowers, he thinks Vague ni ya nyanya yake?  Me, I don’t have any problem with any luo, but I have a problem with only that Kehee who wanted to take my love ruto.  If they say I stole anybody’s flower farms for valentine, si hata yeye arudishe ile ya molassess, anasemanga fuata nyuki ule asali?  Ama namna gani?

Lastly, we intend to give free milk to schools, don’t mind the retail prices currently.  As far as I know, Raila was responsible.

KARUA (Ms Wangu wa Mugunda)

I am a mother and recently a grandmother.  I am not a wife but you know I can’t date a Luo; Mjaruo over my dead body.

I strongly believe Kibaki won the last valentine erection (sic) in 2007.  Though I pushed so hard to bring justice and love to the bedroom but my hands were completely tied.  I had to quit.  One of the principals failed me in ‘bedroom matters.’  This time around we are saying Valentine na Mama.  Give me your love of vote and I will end impunity and divorce rates.  You see I am not in any coalition.

I am not an expensive woman; I am worthy only Ksh. 56,000.  My house in Karen is worth Ksh. 29,000.  And it is all my sweat, no mpango wa kando assistance or priest donations.

By the way, don’t give your vote to suspects.

KIYIAPI (the gap btn the rich)

St. Valentine’s day, we are told, came up when Valentine himself died in the prison cells.  And that has been the tragedy of this valentine nation of ours.  But today my party recognizes such circumstances of valentine and minority valentine lovers.  That is what my party stands for.

MIGUNA (Mr. come-baby-come):

First and foremost you should know I have the ‘Kidneys of the King’ now after peeling back his MASK.

I just watched the Presidential Debate on 11 February 2013 on my CNWorld Satellite Channel which just for your information is exclusive and costs way over £ 4000 sterling pounds.  The moderators were fair but some people were just clueless and naïve on what a debate of such magnitude is all about.  Paul Muite was just being daft and barmy.  And that guy, I don’t know his name right, is it Aladeen, was simply a dopey dimwit; Uhuru behaved goosey and weedy with traces of arrogance from the amassed land he owns.  For Raila, with his groupie, we know them.  I will not apologize to anyone when I say they are silly.  Miguna can’t be muzzled.  If they feel agitated, let us meet in court.  I will be my own lawyer and I will teach some people the Law.  Come, baby come.

Ooh, you wanted Valentine message?  Valentine is a good day.  Only people have become robotic-love machines. Aluta.

KIBAKI (Mr. Legacy)

Let me declare that I have only one dear wife, mama Lucky Wamboi…na hakuna haja..kusema nani ni nani…hapana

But I heard Jimmy went to endorse somebody without my consent.  I don’t know why the Gichuki and not his step-mother…He almost cost my legacy.  You see we have built Thika Road; I gave out 69 Districts in by 2008, and now I am converting all technical institutes into universities…kwani razima niwapatie structure pia…ama lecturers…wacha kabisa.  Wachana na my legacy.

KALONZO (the Cha-Melon)

He wasn’t sure if it was valentine or cord message or tna uniform day. 
Our politician are known for being incorrigible.  Any-who, if you know you cute and reading this, you are the one...

Yours truly

© Magati alphonce