7 NOTORIOUS TYPES OF COLLEGE STUDENTS

[RightInk]A friend of mine challenged me once that the worst college student you’ll ever come across is the one from the college of Veterinary Medicine or 'Chiromo' medicine. On questioning why, he claimed, in his warped mind, that it’s difficult to handle animals for too long and fail two act like one of them (small animal or big animal); or yet it's pretty hard to handle cadavers for too long and fail to be think like one(if at all they do think). To this effect, I decided to take a walk around campus to clarify my friend’s passion of how many types of --good or bad-- students we have and do they have to come from the same said vet pigsty or KNH morgue. Therefore, simulating my big brother Jeff, I say: ‘what a story, what a blog. You cannot find this kind of juicy articles anywhere else. Only right here  where we are all college-righting, all the blog, all the time.'

The following are the typical college losers so called students, read with me…
(1)Money-oriented, (2)Otiose, (3)the p.i.m.p., (4)friend-padder, (5)self-promoter, (6) Desperatta, (7)..
 

1.0 Money-oriented: ( aka the CMB wannabe)

Much as the tribal Kenyan would tell you this is a Kikuyu, on the contrary that is not the case. We all are in hierarchy or continuum of needs and financial security but for the particular money oriented guys everything is put on hold as they prioritize quenching their pockets. In the halls of residence, they’ll convert a room into miniscule ‘supermarket’ selling anything to everything from rotten tomatoes to expired condoms. Money making is the lens through which life is seen and understood creating usual imbalanced judgments.

Sometimes there are apparent noble reasons given for making the money, such as the desire to take care of one’s family or to supplement one’s income. It’s important and very OK. But to focus on money making as a full-time thought with profit as the decision or argument criterion, the initial interest becomes null and void.

These kinds of students, more often than not, usually are the active die-hards in strikes and demonstrations. They have a girlfriend from 'shags' who is usually enthralled by the varsity buildings than her man.

2.0 Book-oriented: (aka the Otiose)

Book oriented students usually become bookworms in every sense of the word, driving themselves to produce at the sacrifice of health, relationship, social life and other important areas of their lives. Their fundamental identity comes from their cramming of the ‘book’—“I know Thermodynamics,” “I beat them in Maths.” are the obvious consolations in their social deficiency.

Because their identity and sense of self-worth are wrapped-up in the book, their security is vulnerable to anything that happens to prevent them from continuing touching their book. These are the kind of people who will stop at nothing but at the brink of suicide if you defeat them even by a single mark. With this kind of remote-mentality, nurtured from their erstwhile high schools, they believe first-class is reading the book inside out and not sharing knowledge nor the book itself in the name that we are in a ‘competitive’ world.

Mostly in this category lie the remote men or the ugly and ugliest young women who see their books as their life. Their actions are limited by academician role models and lecturer perceptions of them.

3.0 Pleasure-oriented:(aka the P.i.m.p.)

We are living in a changing time where instant gratification is available and encouraged. Liquor, clubbing and movies are the key-words for this category. Movies graphically portray what other people have and can do in living the life of ease and “fun.” But while the glitter of pleasure is exalted, the natural result of such life-style to the inner person, productivity, thinking, is seldom accurately seen. Don’t misquote me, innocent pleasure in moderation can provide relaxation for body and mind and can foster learning and other activities.

The unfortunate bit for the pleasure loving student is they become narcissistic, interpreting all of life in terms of pleasure it provides. They make decisions based on what will give them the most pleasure.

Their order of the day is defined by too much music all day long, too many movies, too much video game playing, too much night-out any day of the week. It beats simple logic to offer yourself too much undisciplined leisure time with no good outcome on the other side of life. College education, to them means the future pleasure after this arduous learning biz.

FUNNIEST INTERVIEW IN KENYA the LaND of UnequaL OPPortunitEs

CRAZY INTERVIEW ANSWERS THAT WORK

magati alphonce

It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??
(You can opt to jump to the middle of this article for laughter.)

 

 

 

 

Highlights

1. Employment no longer based on merit. Quite often the do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit
2. Interviews done for the sake of formality to escort predetermined ones.
3. Read some of the laugh-out-loud hysterical answers to..

• Why are you leaving your current position?
• What kind of computer software are you proficient in?
• Why do you want to work for us?
• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• Leadership skills?
• Your Goals?

SiRi Magatzine>> It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??

In his open letter to the new Director of KACC, my favourite writer of all times and Senior Editor in the Standard Group, Otuma Ongalo aka Double OO reminded PLO of the adamant here-to-stay poison—nepotism. He articulately put it this like this, “...employment in many public institutions is no longer based on merit. Quite often do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit. Many jobs are advertised but only to attract some individuals to ‘escort’ the predetermined ones. The advertisements are tailor-made to suit certain individuals and interview convened at their convenience.” This big piece of truth crystallised the other day when we held interviews at organisation X (name withheld deliberately). The process was not only (mis)managed clumsily but also exhibited senseless and stupefying favouritism and nepotism. The incident underscored our tolerance to tribalism and corruption. At the end of the day, the people who were hired had neither the necessary qualification nor the best suitability criterion vis-a-vis the left lot of seekers.

But one wise man said you cannot change circumstances by complaining. But you can by being appreciative and making fun out of gloom. And here is what I am doing. The following is the outstanding hilarious eavesdropped interview done to Mr. Omoding.

At the Guest's Lounge

First the interviewer came into the lobby to pick up Omoding. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! “Fuck,” he muttered as he passed the poker-faced interviewer.

In the Boardroom

Edited for clarity

Tell us something about yourself

Aha! Well...! I thought I was the guest here and for that matter you had to give me an illusion of yourselves first!

But, nevertheless, if you insist, my name is Alima Omoding; I am bald, fat and get annoyed easily. I went to Nkubu Boys which probably should be North or South from here, you know, I am not good with maps and direction. Remember I come from Nyanza, that’s a fact, and you already know what that means...

What does it mean?

OK, it means nothing.

What can you bring to this position?

(Stares at the entire floor) A new carpet and a new play-station 9

Equally, I would be great asset to the events team because I party all the time. Yes, I think now we are talking...

Why are you leaving your current position?

I was fired by my senseless boss because I had problems in waking up. I used to explain that late to bed, late to rise but it fell on deaf ears. You see I have to finish an episode or two for Season 4 Heroes. By the way he didn’t know who my father is...

How long have you worked there?

Two months.

What kind of computer software are you proficient in?

Software?! You mean those programming languages that are hard nut to crack even by computer scientist? But I think I know how to start a computer and type in Word and maybe play Spider Solitaire.

Why do you want to work for us?

Mainly for two reasons: One, I saw the vacancy posted on Facebook—by the way I am in FB and I command more than 1,000 friend list. Yes, I saw it on facebook and decided why not!

Two, my parents told me I need to get a job to support myself and stop asking for some pocket money for partying and stuff like that...you know, nowadays the price of beer is escalating too fast.

Are you sure you want this job?

Are you asking me? Is that a trick question? C’mon men, get serious!

This Article is the sole work of Magati alphonce

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Well as you can verify, I am young, virile man and above all I am single – if you ladies know exactly what I am saying. (Omoding then looks at one of the pretty fair-skinned board member) I particularly like ‘laptops’...

For weakness, I don’t have any. I told you my parents are from Nyanza and even Engineer Raila Odinga is a friend to my dad.

Give us an example of when you demonstrated leadership skills.

Well my best example of would be in the world of computer game particularly ‘NFS’ and ‘King of the Road.’ I pretty much run the show, it is not easy bro.

On top of that, my leadership skills can be traced to last year when I organised a student strike when the administration mingled in our Elections.

Don't tell me you are proud of Rioting?

It's OK, I don't tell you

What are your goals for the next 5 years?

Probably Manchester United forever.

Do you have any Role model?

Yes, either Lil’ Wayne or Barrack Osama or sometimes Cristian Ronaldhino

How much do you expect to be paid?

Ummmmmmmh, between 300K – 500K. You see I want to buy an Audi Macerati by the end of this year. My galfriend dumped me because of a Toyota Vitz she saw in my neighbours aka a 'her boyfriend-material'.

Anything else we should know about you?

You should know probably I bull-fight every weekend

Do you have any question for us?
I have three questions:

1. How many young ladies work here?
2. Does this company hold sleep-overs?
3. Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the internship program?

(I didn’t hear right if it’s dad or uncle) later the dad/uncle called to reiterate that the boy should be absorbed immediately as the CEO knows about it.

You might think this is fiction; it is not. True story it is and the same guy is now comfortably “working” with the organisation simply because the influential uncle/dad endorsed him there. Not credentials, not background, not potential that mattered. But this didn’t kill our potential or our talents. We hope Kenya will change one day and merit should speak for one in job platform. Amen.

[The name of the organisation, click HERE]
Alphonce M. Magati

20 Things Every Fresher Should Know About Dating & College Life Before Turning 21

It has taken me three years to learn the cold truth. Why take the detour yet THESE are the simplified facts.

As you read this, look into the mirror, into the pupil of the person in the mirror.

1. Never ask, why do guys seem to care less about love and relationship than ladies do? The answer is simple: men define themselves primarily from their academic work and their accomplishments whereas ladies define themselves primarily from their relationship.
2. Men feel emotionally rejected when you reject their sexual advances. When he makes a sexual overture to you, he is doing more than asking for sex. In fact he’s saying, “Please accept me; please receive me.”
3. Men love chiqs who aren’t afraid to show that they love sex. The sexual corpse—ladies who are unresponsive in bed are complete turn-off.
4. Don’t be fooled by an articulate, well-spoken man. He may really be a frightened little boy inside who has a hard time expressing the simplest emotions.
5. If he’s not ever calling before 11p.m., he is not interested in a real relationship. On the other hand, if she’s ever flashing (missed calls), she’s not in for you. Take a walk sis, cut it off bro.
6. If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, he really means it (seriously). However, if a chiq says she’s already in a relationship, please note this, she needs you—it was just a feminine blurter which comes out whenever a Mr. Right rolls by.
7. SiRi Magatzine>>This Article is the Sole Creativity of Magati alphonce
8. Love [hoping it exists] is rarely packaged the way you expect it to be. One of the biggest keys to making your ‘love’ last is being flexible in our expectations. Money is not love, beauty is not love.
9. It is basically much kinder to be direct with someone than pussy-foot around the truth in order to spare feelings. It is a waste of both time and emotions and energy.
10. Relationships are not supposed to be technically hard in the beginning. If that is the case, run for your dear life.
11. This particular moment—no matter how good or bad it is—will be just a blip on the radar two years on (i.e. third or fourth year).
12. Friendship requires face to face communication. Philosopher Aristotle is our adviser on this matter. He argued that good friendship—soul mate—is only possible when friends ‘share salt together.’ He meant that they sit down with each other not just over the occasional meal, but over the course of their lives.
13. Resist the virtual life. The idea that you can have one—switching gender, looking handsome, becoming perfect—has grown with second life and the like. Plato is often associated with the existence of a perfect world, which philosophers call the Forms. But he was clear that this virtual place is not the real world. To live life in all its fullness, we humans must deal with this world’s imperfections, Plato said.
14. Go with the flow. To live in a “street-light” world is to live in a world of change. Don’t resist the inevitable change. You can grab a cigarette or cigar; learn to live with it. If you can go with the flow, you’ll find tranquillity.
15. Broadcasting your unsolicited comments on Facebook after every 2 minutes is a nuisance. When almost every update is a link to your body or your photo album, you too are too much of a braggart. Even worse is the updating strangers (called FB friends) about your non-existent love live, parents, school, clubbing because this is completely being insecure idiot. Keep it real!! (Read: Annoying Facebook Friends) [real updates]e.g. Im in, what a nice shot; brushing my tooth;
16. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the HIV/AIDS Unit with is irreversible and you cannot re-learn or UN-learn.
17. Campus is full of losers who can’t make out this or that because of lack of creativity; so the course you are taking is not the better off. Look around for ideas not enunciation of course name. For instance, which one of these is a good course: Boobs Psychology or Erotica Engineering?
18. Being a book-oriented, Money-oriented, Church-oriented or Desperatta doesn’t make you any better student. Get the principles of life in moderation and avoid being the extremist. (Read: 7types of College Students)
19. Getting all marks in class work or having a First-class distinction does not make you a perfect being or successful. There is more to life than meets the eye.
20. Magat M. Alphonce (aka GM Son) is a son of an African Gentleman. He is an Environmental Engineer by profession but most importantly he’s gone up in people’s estimation when last checked on the A-list. He is eulogised as an established writer and an artist Extraordinaire, check out.
21. KK, Richot and Smirnoff and Tuskers and Napoleon don’t mix well.

ALPHONCE M. MAGATI

The University of Nairobi

7 WONDERS OF KENYAN UNIVERSITIES

KU--exceptional varsity where students burn everything, anything and even themselves as a form of demonstration...
Masinde Muliro--The remarkable place where engineering is taught by Non-Engineering tyro staffs. Just but to mention a few...


SEVEN WONDERS OF KENYAN UNIVERSITIES; Six (6) Marks. . .
GM Son.

After taking a choreographed research, the shockingly leading place where the steamy harmonized constitution has not been read totally, is in our varsities. I tried toying around with this hypothesis, only to collide with the cold fact that students are either reading specifically for CATs & Exams, or in debauchery. It’s ok, no complaint. But with intellectuals, the crème of the society unable to dissect such an important document, then who will? [http:// http://www.magati2020.blogspot.com/ ] The greedy pigs in parliament?
This jolted me going into overdrive to divulge the hidden wonders of Kenyan universities. And the tit-bits here given are absolute truths and personal views as a well-rounded magat in the class of magats:-

(1). the University of Nairobi
MODULES—MWAKENYA—ZEBRA—FACEBOOK
· So far the varsity that has phenomenally more parallel than regular students in the name of “running the university” money-wise. They say it’s academically correct!?
· Is the chief university monumentally known with the inveterate “mwaks”- mania. From Exam cookery to bedroom class the byword is “miss yours miss out”. The rest is …hysteria.
· The locale where students believe it’s the vehicle that is supposed to stop at a zebra-crossing, look its left or right before passing safely lest it risk being knocked dead by the students.
· Has busiest students. Busy in facebook: poking, commenting “we’re the best…” Now, how?

(2). KU
DEMONSTRATION—UNIFORM—NOISEMAKERS
· (Kibera University, Oh! no, no Kuja Uharibiwe) is the exceptional varsity where students burn everything, anything and even themselves as a form of demonstration.
· The only institution introducing uniforms like the garbs for nuns and catechists.
· Hold dear the inclination of writing “noise-makers” in the lecture halls and forwarding them to the VC (the moles-agency 4 Mugenda).

(3). JKUAT
MULTICOURSES—HOSTELS—OBAMAs
· Only where one course is made many courses. Studying different courses in a single mode and a like lectures until graduation. [e.g. they can have, cup engineering, mug engineering, water-in-cup engineering, cup-less engineering]
· Where hostels reek like DDS (dandora dumping site) save for Skyline hostel.
· Still use pit latrines. It’s a biogas plant! Green (leaves) Technology, they say. No need of TPs (no offence)
· Gentle-lads (read Juja boys) impregnate small girls in the varsity outskirts. Invention they call it (another Obama, might come!!)

(4). Masinde-Muliro
DRESS—TYROS—COMPUTER
· The male students wear knife-cut shorts and the ladies put on checkered knee-down dresses. Make-up is prohibited, try one & you are a prostitute.
· The remarkable place where engineering is taught by Non-Engineering tyro staffs. Just but to mention a few.
· Presence or availability of three fully working computers, and no more. One for the undergraduates, another for the dean, and the other for pro.

(5). Maseno
RATIONING—I.T
· Students don’t know what is rationing because they depend heavily on charcoal and firewood for cooking, warming rooms, etc (Lwela Village?) Cylinders are for “sonkos”, i.e. those whose boyfs own “ngware” or “peng’” or men with fishing nets.
· Every student is trained how to use Microsoft Word, Excel, and Powerpoint. That’s I.T…(Information Technology; period) Intellectually trained!

(6). MOI
LINCENTIOUS
· Ranked soaringly immoral place with Annex being… after Moi Avenue’s S.J.
· Their dogmas are: books=sex, and campus=cohabitation

(7). EGERTON
THE CHALLENGE
· The only reason students study “hard” despite the gloomy environment, is anticipation of participating in Celtel Challenge, Oops sorry, Zain Challenge or maybe Celzan Challenge next.
WEUCOST? Varsity?
By Gati Mae Son (Ma-Gati Alphonce)
Reason Cain killed Abel in the Bible: They were roommates, Cain a BA and Abel an Engineer student.
Peace

LEADERSHIP INCOMPETENCY KNOWS NO BOUNDS: BE IT INTELLECTUALS OR OUR HONOR-REBEL

"Seated back watching our intellectual, one could not toy around with the hypothesis that Kenyan youths will ever be used and misused for Machiavellian prospects...With the current interest in political matters, money is the motivation not joy to serve

VARSITY ELECTION, WHAT A SHAME ON INTELLECTUALISM

The cyclic wave of political incorrectness in Kenya must be broken. As much as we envisage the much coveted vision 2030, much has to be done if at all it is something to go by. It’s only in Kenya where anything, anybody and everything must have a political slant in one way or another. If you get heckled because of your traitor-ship, it's politics. Kenyans not reading the constitution, it's politics. And speaking of constitution (allow me to digress briefly), after taking a choreographed research, the shockingly leading place where the steamy harmonized constitution has not been read totally, is in our varsities. Wonder what we can do if we cannot dissect such an important document-- making noise on Uhuru Highway? Universities are the apples of Kenyans’ eyes much as I hate to admit it. In fact I am completely dumb-founded, like any other Kenyan, by my fellow UoN brains. It is not the rampage, it is not the raucous cacophony, it is not the burning of precious properties worth millions, it is not their paralysis of the traffic despite our incapability to beat the jam on our roads. How do you burn a Mercedes Benz worth millions to protest against re-election of some useless student leader who will not champion your rights anywhere except milk enough to replenish what s/he used to campaign with!

Today I couldn’t agree more, comparing politicians and SONU leaders, I wonder which defines us more. The just concluded SONU election has volumes to teach us: Kenya is teetering on the brink of hopelessness, simply because our politicians are no longer paragon of virtue for the youth to look upon.
The reduction and ultimate elimination of Kenyan’s poverty is the pre-eminent socioeconomic priority. This truth must be part of the university commitment to the development and dissemination of knowledge. The challenge of our intellectuals is to rekindle the citizenry’s dying embers of revolutionary particularly in public offices. But does leadership incompetency’s know no bounds? The sheer displays of political reincarnation in our student intellectuals not only put a grim caricature of what was once a beautiful leadership in campuses but also slacken our realization of real change- the Kenya we want. When we capture student organization of Nairobi university (SONU) elections, Kenyan deteriorating politics comes into big picture and this is not just another case of crying ‘wolf’. Seated back watching our intellectual, one could not toy around with the hypothesis that Kenyan youths will ever be used and misused for Machiavellian prospects. In case you disagree, focus on this eye-opener of a lifetime. I played an partly active role in the SONU election 2010/2011 and I have a testament testimony. First the game has no rule.

With the current interest in political matters, money is the motivation not joy to serve. God fearing me could not hold back my trauma when I saw real brains voting somebody depending on the amount of liquor he’s ‘splashed’ out. This is an enchantment that makes people behave ‘well’ during their campaigns, chanting incantations like “Osianyi forever, Never without Osianyi”, lie in front of a speeding car while invariably reminding people “I am not drunk!” Consequently, the business of’ security’ measures and counter aggression squads of ‘nyaunyo waving’ ethnic goons are jolted into action. If one proclaimed that violent politicians in the nation are bred in the University of Nairobi, I will easily buy it. (But this is where I throw in a disclaimer and say not all politicians are just that).

The discrepancy of chieftainship cannot be marginalized to politicians alone. I was dumbfounded, like any other Kenyan that tribalism thrives well among the cream of the crop. The unfolding event underlines the urgent need to educate our “Osianys, Muendos, Cheruiyots and Ng'ang'as” how to handle matters sagaciously particularly ethnic equation fallacy. The so called stalwarts plainly demonstrate immaturity when they blindly adopt to ballot somebody by the virtue of his or her mother-tongue and not specifically on the leadership touchstones. They believe leadership is a birthright and nothing less. I wonder why we complain over their undoing and not delivering.
Comrades, is there such a thing as taking a good idea too far? Yes, of course but not for the less moneyed. The eyesore posters from the public benches to the wash-room sinks cannot be overlooked. The fake phony opinion polls are an equivalent of local Synovate Opinion group. The Gallup poll, like any other, is engineered and choreographed from the ‘centre’ and devoid of a homogenous statistics with the aim of swaying voters at these amenable moments.

Contestants talk the talk but never walk it. ”I will ensure hot milk supply to your rooms...I promise you a reloaded SONU of the days of Karl Max...” are the examples of the fantastic election pledges that incite many. The many who’ll never use the hindsight to foretell the future. But after triumph, like honorable so and so elsewhere, the change their phone numbers and become inaccessible to the ordinary mortals who placed them at the point they hang from.

So why am I writing this? The answer is three dimensional. In pointing out the major difficulties attendant to changing the way Kenyans live, I do not wish to cast doubt on the authenticity of people’s desire for better way of living. However, old habits die hard. The ball is in our court, we have to switch habit to habitat mode when it comes to politics. Sit-ins, setting up and leading think tanks, and engaging in sober and reasoned open debates is the absolution. And as crème de la crème of the society, change has to start with us right here right now, all these in a bid to invite reason to prevail in political arena, distilling constitutional etiquette. We shall only be fully liberated, as history has proven, when our leaders (SONU or elsewhere) understand the real meaning of simplicity and upload joy in serving.

Given our incomplete knowledge of better politics we cannot rule out the possibility of shocking surprises to our economy. Let us do it while we still can, trying hard to reconcile the mishap that is a slap in the face of our intellectualism. For now, all this chest thumping and scramble for ‘power’ will drive us deeper into quagmire. Is it politics or Kenyan? What portfolio does one get by serving in as the 'unwanted' leader? Time and hard work will tell.
ALPHONCE MAGATI

NOAH AND THE ARK IN kenya

"Noah Was stopped further building the ark because:-- Kibera wants a railway built first in the Ark, KRA seized all his assets claiming he is trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. If he is sufficiently philanthropic to build the ark, he should pay for Ken McOrende... "Noah’s Ark in Kenya

“There’s gonna be El-Niño,” Lord said to Noah, “in six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole country is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and the two of every kind of living things. I’m telling you to build yourself an Ark,” instructed the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specification of the Ark.

“Ok,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months elapsed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in front of his Mathare Yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is the Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah for Emphasis.

“Lord, please forgive me,” beseeched Noah, I did my best. But there were big problems:-

1. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet IEK Code which I never knew it existed before then. So I had to hire an engineer from a Business School (KCA) to redraw the plans. He is the one D.M. wanjohi trusts
2. My building the Ark in the Mathare front yard was objected. It was claimed that I WAS VIOLATING ZONING SINCE A superhighway was to pass there for the first time. So I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
3. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Mau Forest. I had to convince the government I needed the wood to save the Gema, squatters, etc. But they wouldn’t let me…
4. Then the Kenya Airways carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the COTU before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we’ve got sixteen carpenters going on the boat..
5. Then I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal’s rights group (G12). They objected to me taking only two of each kind. It’s conjugally un-right.
6. The Migingo residents claim they’re used to swimming for long hours long time now, and they have their own boats. In fact unless all the forty brothels and two toilets are closed is when they can reconsider my case.
7. UoN students want to gather stones first (the ones Mutua used to beautify Nairobi) so that incase of electricity rationing in the Ark they’ll do what they do mostly best.
8. Father Jimmy also wants to declare that he has “only one dear wife” so that “hakuna haja…kusema nani ni nani…hapana, wacha hiyo kumbafu sana”
9. Kibera want a railway built first in the Ark
10. Horrible members of Parliament are in recess for three and half months. I have to wait till they table the bill on the floor of the House deciding whether the Ark will help tap Rift Valley Voters…
11. I cannot trace the same members because they changed names to become next Obamas in 2012, (Yes We Kana)

• John Ochuki
• Olonzo Mak’Osyoka
• Geoge Atoti
• Martha Orwa
• Ohuru K’Onyatto
• Beth Ougo
• William Outo Ony
• 
  

12. Right now I’m still trying to solve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Karamojongs I’m supposed to hire. How many CPAs, etc do they have from River Road?

13. KRA has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. If I’m sufficiently philanthropic to build the ark, I should pay for Ken McOrende.

“I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years.” Noah wailed, “Until 2012” The sky began to shine. A rainbow arched the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy Kenya?” Noah asked hopefully.

“Wrong,” thundered the Lord. “but being Lord, I fully intend to smite Kenya, but with something Kenyan invented by themselves in the Fablab.

“What is that?” asked Noah

There was a long pause, and then the Lord Spaket his last words “COALITION GOVERNMENT.”

"They won't get any constitution till they respect me, as their LORD!"

Yours Truly Alphonce

WHY ITS THE FASTEST CAR: BUGATTI

WHY IT’S THE FASTEST:
BUGATTI CAR vs. FERRARI FXX
By Magati Alphonce
To many people a car is a car, and an engine is an engine. But technically speaking, there is more to an engine than meets the eye. That’s why we have a powerful engine and a faster engine than others; the question of car equality is put into deliberate test. This can be vividly explained when we put the Bugatti into spotlight and its engine into big picture. But first things first, let’s check out the basics.

The Legend
Any internal combustion engine has four major sections:

Engine Block
Main block
Crankshaft
Camshaft
Piston and piston rings
Connecting rod and pin
Lifter
Oil pump system
Gaskets and seals
Freeze plugs
Assorted bolts

Cylinder Heads
Cylinder body
Intake & exhaust valves
Valve keepers, springs & valve springs retainers
Valve steam seal

Air and Fuel Intake System
Intake manifold
Fuel injection system (carburetor)
Air filter

Exhaust
Exhaust manifold
Catalytic converter
Muffler
Tailpipe
>>>>>>>
There are a number of pistons inside an engine depending on the design (4—12 cylinders usually). The pistons are connected to a crankshaft through a connecting rod and the piston fire consecutively to rotate the latter inside the engine block. The firing is due to constant combustion –the working principle of the cylinder. Basically a fuel/ air mixture is pulled into a cylinder which is then closed instantly and the piston is thrust upward to create compression. For gasoline (petrol) engine, a spark is introduced to ignite the mixture to create combustion to thrust he piston back downward in the engine block. Once the piston hits the bottom of its stroke, the exhaust valve opens and exhaust leaves the cylinder to go out the tailpipe. The crankshaft turns the piston’s up and down motion into circular motion which is then transmitted to axle and finally to the wheels.

The Beautiful Bugatti Veyron 16.4
Be it Bugatti Veyron 16.4, Bugatti Royale or Bugatti Marque; Bugatti is the fastest street-legal production car in the world. With that in mind, it’s in perfect order for bugatti to be one of the most expensive production cars ever made at a $1.5 million price tag. This did not come on a silver platter, the Veyron was under development for a couple of years and even it was rumored to never see the light of day. Until it actually did; and blew away the unnecessary doubt. With its space-age good looks, it’s more of a space cruiser than a regular vehicle; no other car has come close to beating its track record.
The centrepoint of its development is the unique compactness and the high performance of the power unit. It generates the maximum performance from the engine in a stable clean manner. Bugatti’s signature elements like top performance, high acceleration capacity and extensive security systems, relate to its Spartan birthplace environment where no more than two vehicles are produced in a month. Each requiring special attention during intricate assembly.

EXCLUSIVE FEATURES

W-16 Cylinder Engine
Amazingly, the Bugatti has a very rare 16- cylinder engine [a powerful Land Rover has only 4]. This keeps the r.p.m. redline high (6500) and at the same time lower the lag time when you press the accelerator. Doubling cylinders to this number is more challenging particularly when the size of the engine is to remain constant. Essentially, there are two ways to perform this:
Put two V-8 engines in-line with each other. Then connect output shaft of the two V-8s together.
Put two in-line 8-cylinder engines besides one another
For the Veyron, Bugatti chose the latter technique whereby the engineers merged twoV-8 at 15° bank angle to create a W-16 quad-cum engine (two Vs create a W). Both 8-cylinders are set at an angle of 90° to each other and aspirated by four exhaust chargers. This, therefore, heralded the piling on of more features to make the engine even better.
The engine has four valves per cylinder, for a total of 64 valves. (Ordinarily it’s 2 valves per cylinder). This contributes to a propulsion unit that is without parallel in it’s complexity to achieve satisfactory driving dynamics both on everyday traffic and her racetracks.

Four Turbochargers
Secondly, the Bugatti engineers endeavored to create a compact engine capable of producing 1,001 horsepower at 6,000 r.p.m. (revolutions per minute). And the obvious thing was turbocharging. This is a way to make an engine more powerful without making any of its components bigger. Turbocharging involves stuffing more air into the cylinder on each intake stroke using a component called turbocharger. A turbo pressurizes the air coming into the cylinder (18psi) so that the cylinder can hold more. Consequently, more air stuff into each cylinder helping burn much petrol in the same size cylinder. Therefore turbocharging allows Bugatti to utilize its 16000cc down on a more manageable 8000cc.

Knock and Misfiring Detection ion Current System
The multiplicity of the cylinder means very smooth running and ensures that the velocity difference will be infinitesimally small incase a cylinder misfires. The obvious rough running measurement detection is not reliable enough. Therefore, Bugatti ion current sensing (BIS) is installed. The ion current flowing at each spark plug at the time point of ignition and combustion is monitored by separate evaluation sensor systems. The data obtained is transferred to both engine control units. If combustion, knocking or misfire is detected, the associated control unit immediately initiates counter measures like (1) shut down of the cylinder, or (2) reduction of the charge pressure.

8-stage Dry Sump Lubrication System
Most vehicles have a wet sump oil system with the sump pan below the crankshaft. In the wet sump, the oil pump sucks oil from the bottom of the oil pan through a tube, filters it then pumps it to the rest of the engine.
On the other hand, in the dry sump, extra oil is stored in a tank outside the engine. There are at least two oil pumps—one pulls oil from the sump and the flows it to the tank and the other takes oil from the tank and sends it to lubricate the engine. The required amount of oil remains in the engine. Therefore the dry sump outweighs the wet sump in doing the following:
Ensures proper lubrication and cooling with the 16-cylinders
The main mass of the engine can be placed lower in the vehicle, where oil pan of the wet sump occupies; therefore help lowering the centre of gravity (cog) and help aerodynamics (by allowing a lower hood line)
The excess oil around the crankshaft in a wet sump can get on the shaft and cut horsepower.
In wet sump, turning, braking and acceleration can cause the oil to pool on one side of the engine. This sloshing can uncover the pump’s pick-up tube.

7-Gear and Dual-Clutch Gearbox (DCG)
First for the conventional single clutch (sequential manual gearbox, SMG), pressing the clutch pedal disconnects the engine from the gearbox and interrupts power flow to the transmission (Remember an engine run at a constant rpm) then a stick shift moves a toothed collar from one gear wheel to another gear wheel of different size. A device called synchronizer match the gears before they are engaged to prevent grinding. Once the gear is engaged, the driver releases the clutch pedals, which reconnects the engine to the gearbox and transmit power to the wheels. So there is not a continuous flow of power from the engine to the wheels (on-off-of-…)
On the contrary, dual-clutch offers the best of both worlds and it’s been predicted as the transmission of the future. A DCG uses two clutches but has no clutch pedal. Sophisticated electronics and hydraulics control the clutches all independently. One clutch controls the odd gears (1st, 3rd, 5th and R) while the other controls the even gears (2nd, 4th, and 6th).
The computer controls the clutch disks as well as the actual shifting. The computer is able to shift gears in 0.2 seconds without interrupting the power flow from the transmission. The goodness is that the computer-controlled manual transmission is accessible by shifter paddles with option to run as a full automatic.


Permanent All-Wheel Drive
The power generated in the engine is transferred to the flange-mounted direct manual gearbox (DSG). The torque and speed is then transmitted through the gearing of 7 forward and one reverse gear via universal drives.
The drive power is distributed to the front and rear axle by means by of a Haldex Coupling, an actively controlled multidisk. The following front axle differential distributes the power to both front wheels. While in the rear axle differential the power is distributed to the rear wheels via a bevel gear and a further differential. This is an actively-controlled, hydraulic actuated, multi-disk differential lock installed to prevent speed differences between the two real wheels and ensures optimum directional stability when accelerating and when cornering under load.

The Massive Radiator
This radiator counteracts all of the waste heat that burning 6.05 litres of petrol per minute can generate. The Veyron has two water circuits:
First larger circuit: - which contain 44litres of cooling water with three coolers in the front section of the car. Two keep the engine at operating temperature.
Second circuit (low temperature system): - has a separate water pump and contain 15 litres of cooling water. This one cools the charge air (130°) heated during compression in the four turbochargers, in the two heat exchanger mounted on the engine.

Supersonic Speed
The Veyron which has been owned once by footballer Christian Ronaldo and rapper Lil’ Wayne, runs at an electronically-limited top speed of 408 km/h with unbelievable acceleration of 2.5seconds going from 0 to 97km/ h. In turn, it can go from 386km/h to standstill in under 10 seconds or less. The evenly applied brakes will keep the Bugatti Veyron on exact path even when the driver lets the steering wheel go. Braking power is so strong that it doesn’t feel the pressure of tight curves despite its massive build: voted best in circular racetrack according to modernracecar.com.
As expected, the Veyron guzzles fuel more than any other claiming car, getting 7mpg city and 10mpg highway driving. According to reports, the tires at top speed should blow out in 15 minutes, but the saving grace is that the Bugatti Veyron will burn all the car’s fuel in 12 minutes.


Exceptional safety
It’s preferred to avoid having any unnecessary accidents in the first place but incase of the unfortunate happenings, you aren’t alone--Bugatti got your back. In order to achieve this, the bugatti features a Sophisticated Intelligent Safety and Information System (ISIS) network, which monitors the car’s behavior and, in the unfortunate event of an accident, determines which of the numerous active safety systems to trigger—including the integrated front seat airbags and seatbelts pre-tensioners—via a host of intelligent sensors. Ever vigilant, these sensors almost instantaneously transmit and receive all crush-relevant information, which ISIS then uses to activate individual safety features in such a way as to provide the most effective protection.
Thanks to impact absorbing crumple zones and a double front bulkhead, this isolates occupants from a frontal impact. Up front, the robust windscreen structure, complete with tremendous strong triangulated A-pillars, being leading passive safety, has been engineered to support the weight of the car, thereby protecting the front seat occupant.
The electronic system is designed to maximize the braking performance and stability of the bugatti. This is where the DBC, CBC, DSC are good at. Dynamic Break Control (DBC) helps drivers reduce the stopping distance in an emergency situation when the driver applies the brakes suddenly. DBC ensures that maximum deceleration is achieved by increasing the break pressure independently of how hard the pedal is pressed until the car come to a halt or the driver releases the brake pedal. Cornering Brake Control (CBC) provides assistance in stabilizing the bugatti when braking while in mid-corner. Dynamic Stability Control (DSC) recognizes when the front or the rear of the car begin to slide (under over steering) and applies braking force to individual wheels to bring the car back under control.


Develop a Nyayo Car using this prototype.