SAFARICOM PROSTITUTION THEORY; HOW FAR IS TOO FAR...

1. Zain has gone up people’s estimation as the hero
2. Safaricom behave like CSW along
4. Memory-lane: owning a phone (Sagem), SIM cost, calling rate, texting.
5. Zain (ex-Kencell) locking horns with Telkom Kenya over Interconnection rates as it’s happening now with surf-com.
6. The surf-com prostitution theory
7. MJ to pay-off Infotrak and its ugly Ambitho to give polls that 94% of Kenyans are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate


8. Koinange Street

(Siri)Indeed August was a month inundated with indelible histories. First it was the tremendous passing of the long-awaited new constitution, then it was David Rudisha’s world record fete, and then came in the HAKI YETU Tariff from Zain. This might sound like Kibera residents uprooting a tariff or their usual railway line. But on the contrary, it’s Zain up in arms fighting for the local man to call at cheaper rates. In fact, Zain has gone up in people’s estimation as the hero of all times. Picture this, a guy in Kariri-kania village or Kibera spends a maximum of Ksh. 20 for lunch and another Ksh. 20 for supper. But here is a communications service provider that gulps your Ksh. 12 just for a minute! What does that tell you? Either it’s robbery or network prostitution.

Down

Safaricom’s calling rates reminds me of commercial sex workers (CSW) along

Koinange Street

. But before taking on the surf-com’s prostitution theory, let’s take a walk down the memory lane. The year is 2001 when the first few phones landed in Kenya. Telcom® then was the communication giant until Kencell® roared by and took over the market like a tsunami. Back then, by the fact of just holding (leave alone owning) a Sagem® or a Motorolla® T190 could demand respect deluged your way. Men got wives by that stunt. Young boys taking their uncles’ phones for charging simplified their seduction extravaganza by playing with the gadget in front of their target (woman).

The cost of SIM card could buy two goats on those days. And once lost no replacement, you had to cough another Ksh. 4, 500 and nothing less. The calling rate kicked off at Ksh. 64 but the price was drawn down to Ksh. 47 per minute. That means if you said, ‘Hallo.’ and the call gets interrupted, 47/= had to go, just like that. Texting back then could require you get trained first how to access SMS option before enjoying. But thank goodness now we all know! And thank goodness Zain is here to stay.

Despite its now success of 9M registered users; Zain has been there and done all that. In November 2004 it pioneered in the department of changing corporate names as though it were a pair of socks from Kencell® to Celtel®. As if that was not enough, they changed again their name to Zain, and mark you, it s not yet stopped. Zain, sorry Kencell has had to lock horns with Telkom Kenya over an Agreement on interconnection rates in the year 2003 when it was not only impossible but also not allowable to call across networks. Now, when surf-com is bragging to scare Zain out of the market, they have to be reminded Zain has seen it all so ‘bring it on pronto.’

The love of Zain to the local mwanachi surpasses all 3G or 4G surf-com is trying to G-spot.

Safaricom’s Prostitution Theory

This CSW has no love or mercy on anyone at all. She's full of conditions and terms, at least it is endemic to all CSWs from Luthuli to SJ to Kenyatta to Majengo. She aims at just making money and profits (didn’t MJ mention that?) She is exorbitantly overcharging her clients now that she knows her 3G-spot is easy to reach. She uses this 3G as her strong point to outsmart the beautiful single ladies (i.e., Miss Zain, the Orange baby and Yu) passing by from work to their beloved homes.

The SuperTalking b**ch winks at you with a place-card rating of 80 cents but when you’ve removed your pants ready for action, she flashes out a new card indicating the cost is 1,000 shillings. She even once swindled innumerable men by offering herself for free on what she coined as IPO (initial prima-donna offer). Although some of us noticed the obvious pogrom in her foxy baits, we might have tacitly encouraged her by our silence. She mistakenly believed she was a goddess. My old grandpa in Kariobangi who attempted to indulge in the tartly donned IPO is now languishing as no returns he got.

But the time has come when Kenyans will switch gears and move on singing, “It’s too late to apologize.” The bitter option for the green is to live and let live. Kenyans grow smarter every year and now we are wiser after the event. It’s time for the late MJ –Michael Jackseph –to be laid to rest. Or else he can re-change his skin back to black and reincarnate to give us the hit-song Haki Yetu or allow the 7-3-numberdom around his territory. Or better still, he can summon and pay-off Steadman or Infotrak Harris and its ugly Ambitho to declare a poll that say 94% of Kenyans have said they are satisfied with surf-com and thus not ready to migrate. You know Kenyans with falsehood of numbers and amenability. Enough not said. I can see my BerryBlack ringing on 734640693, let me answer the call. No more suffering communication.

Alphonce Magati

Memory Lane

FUNNIEST INTERVIEW IN KENYA the LaND of UnequaL OPPortunitEs

CRAZY INTERVIEW ANSWERS THAT WORK

magati alphonce

It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??
(You can opt to jump to the middle of this article for laughter.)

 

 

 

 

Highlights

1. Employment no longer based on merit. Quite often the do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit
2. Interviews done for the sake of formality to escort predetermined ones.
3. Read some of the laugh-out-loud hysterical answers to..

• Why are you leaving your current position?
• What kind of computer software are you proficient in?
• Why do you want to work for us?
• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• Leadership skills?
• Your Goals?

SiRi Magatzine>> It is no secret that finding a job in this economy is becoming difficult at best and nobody’s idea of fun too. But is it justified??

In his open letter to the new Director of KACC, my favourite writer of all times and Senior Editor in the Standard Group, Otuma Ongalo aka Double OO reminded PLO of the adamant here-to-stay poison—nepotism. He articulately put it this like this, “...employment in many public institutions is no longer based on merit. Quite often do-you-know-anyone factor and mundane criterion such as tribalism override merit. Many jobs are advertised but only to attract some individuals to ‘escort’ the predetermined ones. The advertisements are tailor-made to suit certain individuals and interview convened at their convenience.” This big piece of truth crystallised the other day when we held interviews at organisation X (name withheld deliberately). The process was not only (mis)managed clumsily but also exhibited senseless and stupefying favouritism and nepotism. The incident underscored our tolerance to tribalism and corruption. At the end of the day, the people who were hired had neither the necessary qualification nor the best suitability criterion vis-a-vis the left lot of seekers.

But one wise man said you cannot change circumstances by complaining. But you can by being appreciative and making fun out of gloom. And here is what I am doing. The following is the outstanding hilarious eavesdropped interview done to Mr. Omoding.

At the Guest's Lounge

First the interviewer came into the lobby to pick up Omoding. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! “Fuck,” he muttered as he passed the poker-faced interviewer.

In the Boardroom

Edited for clarity

Tell us something about yourself

Aha! Well...! I thought I was the guest here and for that matter you had to give me an illusion of yourselves first!

But, nevertheless, if you insist, my name is Alima Omoding; I am bald, fat and get annoyed easily. I went to Nkubu Boys which probably should be North or South from here, you know, I am not good with maps and direction. Remember I come from Nyanza, that’s a fact, and you already know what that means...

What does it mean?

OK, it means nothing.

What can you bring to this position?

(Stares at the entire floor) A new carpet and a new play-station 9

Equally, I would be great asset to the events team because I party all the time. Yes, I think now we are talking...

Why are you leaving your current position?

I was fired by my senseless boss because I had problems in waking up. I used to explain that late to bed, late to rise but it fell on deaf ears. You see I have to finish an episode or two for Season 4 Heroes. By the way he didn’t know who my father is...

How long have you worked there?

Two months.

What kind of computer software are you proficient in?

Software?! You mean those programming languages that are hard nut to crack even by computer scientist? But I think I know how to start a computer and type in Word and maybe play Spider Solitaire.

Why do you want to work for us?

Mainly for two reasons: One, I saw the vacancy posted on Facebook—by the way I am in FB and I command more than 1,000 friend list. Yes, I saw it on facebook and decided why not!

Two, my parents told me I need to get a job to support myself and stop asking for some pocket money for partying and stuff like that...you know, nowadays the price of beer is escalating too fast.

Are you sure you want this job?

Are you asking me? Is that a trick question? C’mon men, get serious!

This Article is the sole work of Magati alphonce

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Well as you can verify, I am young, virile man and above all I am single – if you ladies know exactly what I am saying. (Omoding then looks at one of the pretty fair-skinned board member) I particularly like ‘laptops’...

For weakness, I don’t have any. I told you my parents are from Nyanza and even Engineer Raila Odinga is a friend to my dad.

Give us an example of when you demonstrated leadership skills.

Well my best example of would be in the world of computer game particularly ‘NFS’ and ‘King of the Road.’ I pretty much run the show, it is not easy bro.

On top of that, my leadership skills can be traced to last year when I organised a student strike when the administration mingled in our Elections.

Don't tell me you are proud of Rioting?

It's OK, I don't tell you

What are your goals for the next 5 years?

Probably Manchester United forever.

Do you have any Role model?

Yes, either Lil’ Wayne or Barrack Osama or sometimes Cristian Ronaldhino

How much do you expect to be paid?

Ummmmmmmh, between 300K – 500K. You see I want to buy an Audi Macerati by the end of this year. My galfriend dumped me because of a Toyota Vitz she saw in my neighbours aka a 'her boyfriend-material'.

Anything else we should know about you?

You should know probably I bull-fight every weekend

Do you have any question for us?
I have three questions:

1. How many young ladies work here?
2. Does this company hold sleep-overs?
3. Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the internship program?

(I didn’t hear right if it’s dad or uncle) later the dad/uncle called to reiterate that the boy should be absorbed immediately as the CEO knows about it.

You might think this is fiction; it is not. True story it is and the same guy is now comfortably “working” with the organisation simply because the influential uncle/dad endorsed him there. Not credentials, not background, not potential that mattered. But this didn’t kill our potential or our talents. We hope Kenya will change one day and merit should speak for one in job platform. Amen.

[The name of the organisation, click HERE]
Alphonce M. Magati